I Just Can't Say I Love You
by baka deshi
Summary: [TxY, part 1 of 3] After all this time, Kinomoto Touya is finally going to tell a certain Someone how he feels. Unfortunately, the Universe doesn't feel the same way...


Warnings in effect: Shounen ai, exponential silliness increase. TxY(xY) of course ^_^ 

A/N: This fic was born while I was first watching the CCS anime and Nakuru was bugging the heck out of me. If there's one plot device that I absolutely can't STAND, it's the "interruption" gag. Especially since that line was so very ambiguous… For those who don't know, the line Nakuru kept interrupting was "ore…omae ga…", which could either be the beginning of "I know you're not human" or "I love you." (or many other things). So after the confession and power transfer actually took place, I found myself thinking: maybe, that line was just cursed. What would happen, then, if Touya tries to confess his love? This fic is the answer to that question ^_^ Enjoy. 

"Suki na kotoba dake (ienainda)"  
("I just can't say 'I love you'") 

Part 1 of 3  


* * *

  


Kinomoto Touya was brooding. 

Not that brooding was in anyway abnormal. Brooding was a sort of base state for the boy, being a rather usual teenager with some rather _un_usual circumstances. It was easy to worry, when one's little sister was always messed up in god-knows-what, her favorite "stuffed animal" was some sort of magical lion-thing, and his best friend was...as he was. Touya practically had a Bachelor's in brooding, and he was working on his Master's in Caring Concern. 

Still, on this particular occasion the brooding had a more specific focus than Life in General. It was getting colder and the wind was picking up, and still no sign of Yukito! He looked at his watch again and leaned into the wind, letting it steal the sigh from his lips. Not for the first time, he wondered how he'd gotten himself into this mess. 

Well, he amended roughly, it was pretty easy to figure out _how._ Yukito had lit up like a Christmas tree at the very_ thought_ of Luigi's, and Touya hadn't had the heart to tell him he hadn't seriously meant to suggest it. He would probably have to clean out his checking account to cover the cost of five meals at the place (one being Touya's and the rest being Yuki's) and work some serious overtime as Bobo the Balloon Bear to pay off the tip, but he'd gone ahead and made reservations. It was worth it, he told himself, just to see Yuki's ecstatic reaction. He would come up with the money somehow. It was the other half of the plan that worried him. 

He'd never questioned the fact that he loved Yuki. Hell, _everybody _did--even their high school phys. ed teacher, and she didn't love anything but pull-ups. (It was widely accepted that the woman's purpose on Earth was to inflict as much pain as humanly possible. A few enterprising students had even tried to exorcise the locker room in case "The Demon" really was of supernatural origins.) Man, woman, or otherwise, you just couldn't help falling in love with Yukito once you laid eyes on him. It would be almost unnatural if you didn't--possibly criminal. There was something about those wide eyes and sweet face that begged to be cherished, something in the way he moved that demanded worship. And the sealing point was how faithfully he loved_ back. _No matter how long of a day it had been or how many times Nakuru had caused you to contemplate homicide, Yuki would just listen and offer a comforting grin. With his whole face, not just the corners of his mouth…and then he'd pat your hand and set out a cup of tea and maybe a biscuit. It was just Love, pure and simple, that shone out of him and begged for acceptance. How could you possibly do anything but return it? 

Even Yuki's true nature wasn't that hard to get used to. Yue rarely showed up except to argue with the Plushie, and on the off-chance he was going somewhere with Sakura he always gave plenty of warning. It was arguably harder to deal with his friend's apparent _gender_, though Touya had managed that as well. Like how, in their last year of high school, the rumor mill had finally hit somewhere close to the truth, and one of the ex-members of the archery club started showing up to fling gay slurs at Yuki. As much as it had hurt to find the soccer team avoiding him later, Touya still didn't regret standing up and giving the jerk a good reason to stay an 'ex'. (He'd heard the guy's arm healed, but not in time for college try-outs.) Yes, he cared about his snow rabbit, and Yukito cared for him too…wasn't that enough? 

No. No it wasn't anymore. 

For a long time, Touya was sure that he was just plain allergic to "I love you". Kaho hang-ups, family hang-ups, emotional hang-ups…whatever kind of hang-up he could think of, Touya knew he had it. He couldn't be in love because his heart was broken; he couldn't devote himself because his family needed him more. But lately, whenever he thought he'd finally convinced himself he was better off alone, Yukito would show up and destroy all his plans with a smile. 

"To-ya…" he would say in that breathy way of his, and suddenly there would be nothing at all to be hung up on but Yukito. 

There were these times when he felt like screaming it...when they were walking home and Yukito turned those soulful eyes to his...when the dying sun caught on his friend's silver tresses...when the whole world was just so beautiful that it made him want to scream with his entire being how much he loved being alive and loving Yuki. 

But then the words would freeze on his tongue and he'd stumble and curse himself for an idiot. And no matter how much he wanted to speak, the moment would be lost and he'd turn away slowly with Yuki's eyes fixed on the back of his head. And then Yuki would ask him— 

"Were you saying something, To-ya?" 

And he'd come up with a lie, a lie or distraction, just as smooth as can be— 

"No, not really. Hey, why don't we go get some ice cream?" 

Ice cream. Ha. Just thinking of it left a bitter taste in his mouth. Still, for the most part the ruses had worked. As long as he left that crucial bit of distance between them, he was still safe. As long as he didn't say anything, he wasn't in danger of changing things. As long as nothing changed, he couldn't lose anything. The problem was that over time he'd gradually run out of excuses, and now Yuki was starting to _hint_. 

Not that he meant to guilt-trip--Yuki would never dream of that---it was just that he had a very _pointed_ way of bringing certain things to Touya's attention. Like the happy couple holding hands by the duck pond. Or the way the actress had looked at the end of That One Movie, when her true love had finally confessed. Yuki had nearly been in tears by the end of that scene...and his enthusiastic snuffling had woken Touya up. Touya, of course, had slept through the entire boring feature. (Yuki nearly didn't forgive him for that one, and possibly wouldn't have if not for some quick thinking and an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet.) And Yuki had _still_ ribbed him about it on the way home, asking how he was ever going to learn if he didn't start paying attention. 

"Honestly now! You're about as romantic as a brick." he'd giggled, just before Touya started throwing snowballs. 

"How's THAT for a 'big wet one'?!" 

Yes, that was the real trouble, Touya finally decided. It wasn't that he didn't love Yukito, or that he couldn't deal with his friend's true nature, or that he didn't _want_ to confess...it was simply that he needed to find the proper _way_ to say it. Yuki was such a sappy romantic compared to everyone else. Not even Sakura and that damn teddy bear came close! Yuki was always the first to cry at mushy movies, or the one pouring over human interest stories in the newspaper, or the one talking about how adorable a couple looked together. (Touya even had the sneaking suspicion the boy had a thing for romance novels, but he'd never been able to prove it.) Maybe it was because he wasn't entirely human…or because his other half was so touchy and jilted...for whatever reason, his snow bunny was absolutely obsessed with human relationships. No two ways about it, Yuki was in love with the idea of Love (capital L, with extra sugar and cupids on top), and if that's what he wanted, Touya would deliver. 

Which meant he had to find the Perfect Time to confess. 

Which meant he had to find the Perfect Setting. 

Which was why he was standing outside of Luigi's in a jacket and tie, waiting for Yuki to show up for their eight o'clock reservation and feeling more like melting into the floor with each passing minute. Where the hell was he?! 

_8:14_ his watch blinked mockingly. _8:15..._

And then, from the depths of the subway station, his angel appeared. 

"To-ya!!!" Yuki called, taking the steps three at a time. "Am I late?" 

Yuki. His brilliant Yuki, flushed to a deep crimson from the effort of running. His dazzling Yuki, decked to the nines in a pale blue jacket that somehow managed to make him look even more unearthly than usual. Touya's first impulse was to grab him and enshrine him in the mountains somewhere, lest he be spoiled by the worldly beings around him. His second was to pull him into the alley and smother him with kisses. Either way, the feeling was strong enough to be unnerving. 

"S-sorry I'm late!" Yuki gasped, struggling to catch his breath. Touya watched him pant with a sort of horrified fascination. The alley was looking better and better. 

"Were you waiting long?" Yukito asked. "To-ya?" 

"N-not really." Touya finally managed. "But what happened? I thought rabbits were fast!" he teased lamely. 

"Well, I got hungry on the way to the station, so I stopped at this little café—you know Masa's Place, right?--only it took a little longer than I expected since they're sort of short-handed right now, and…" 

"Jeez, Yuki!" Touya groaned, exasperated. "_That's_ what kept you? We had reservations at eight! You know what time it is?" 

"I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date!" Yukito agreed in a sing-songy way, and Touya's heart flipped painfully before he realized Yuki was just quoting from "Alice in Wonderland". Touya shook his head and struggled to pull himself together. 

"I'm sorry, To-ya." Yukito apologized shyly. The first flakes of an early snow swirled around his beautiful face…Touya shook his head ruefully. Somehow, it was very difficult to remember exactly what he'd been mad about. 

"Well, White Rabbit, shall we go and see the Duchess?" he asked grandly, offering his friend an elbow. "I'm sure she won't mind if we're late." 

Yuki gladly complied.   


* * *

Dinner went smoothly, but far more quiet than usual. Yuki had made some brief stabs at conversation between plates, but between the excellent quality of the food and the enormous quantity he had to eat, he hadn't made very much headway. Touya, for his part, had spent most of the time concentrating on the flame of the candles in front of them. He pushed his steak around valiantly and tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach. 

It was equally hard to ignore the stares of the other patrons. Touya sighed and forced himself to concentrate on cutting his meat. Between Yuki's abnormally large stack of plates and the fact that they were two men dining together at a Romantic Restaurant, the neighboring tables seemed to have found plenty to gossip about. One of the ladies at the table to their right, a frumpy-looking woman old enough to be his grandmother, was whispering something very loudly to her companion. The hawk-nosed woman started violently, then turned to glare disapprovingly at Yuki. Touya glowered and suppressed the urge to get up and give them something better to Disapprove of. 

"So what do you think?" Yuki was staring at him earnestly. 

"Huh?" Touya blinked. He hadn't noticed Yuki was talking again. 

"Honestly!" A flicker of what might be annoyance flitted across Yuki's face. "Were you listening at all?" 

"I was just…sorry." he apologized reluctantly. The candlelight flickered unevenly, glinting off Yuki's glasses. 

"Excuse me...sirs…" Their waitress appeared from nowhere, looking down her long nose at Yuki's stack of empty plates. "Could I interest you in some dessert?" she asked skeptically. 

"Yes, please." Yuki chirped. "I was trying to save room for some of that famous cheesecake of yours! Could you bring me one?" he asked politely. The waitress gave him a horrified look, as if he had an extra arm growing out of his forehead. Touya glared at her malevolently._ Okay, that's it…no Bobo suit to pay YOUR tip, missie! _

"Y-you want a _whole _cheesecake?" the waitress asked, flabbergasted. 

"Yes." Yukito looked momentarily concerned. "Is that not allowed?" 

"Well, of course it is, but… 

"Waitress!" Touya warned, and caught her eye. "One New York-style cheesecake, if you please. With strawberries on top." Yuki practically crowed in the background. Touya smiled inwardly. Of course Yuki would be touched by something as silly as knowing his favorite type of cheesecake. 

"R-right." the waitress stammered, still staring at Yukito. 

"And bring me a hot chocolate, no whipped cream. Got that?" 

"Y-yessir." She stumbled away on shaky legs. Frumpy and Hawk-Nose were watching her with interest. Touya took the chance and flicked a stray pea at Frumpy's dumpy pink dress. 

Their dessert arrived on a platter the size of a wagon wheel, which set the ladies at the next table off again. Hawk-Nose was waving and pointing now, and Frumpy seemed to be agreeing vehemently. Touya sighed and buried his face in his hands. Just this once, he'd give anything to have a normal life… 

"…and then she said to me—hey, To-ya?" Yukito was talking again. 

"Yeah?" He lifted his head again… 

And then those beautiful eyes, those tawny pools that made all the girls melt and their boyfriends secretly reconsider their orientation, were focused on him. 

"To-ya?" That breathy nickname rolling off perfectly shaped, ivory lips... 

"Are you alright? You're acting awfully strange tonight." 

Touya came crashing back to earth, where he could think of nothing intelligent to say. 

"I..." His heart was doing a tap-dance in his throat. Yuki was sitting right there, watching him intently. Outside, the first feathers of an early snow were beginning to fall. The candles were lighted, the table was cleared, and somewhere in the distance a piano was playing a love song. 

It was time. 

"I…actually, I have something important to tell you." Touya began, shifting to the edge of his seat. 

"Yes?" Yuki was all ears now, tipping one of those perfectly round lobes toward him. Touya had always thought they looked absolutely delectable. 

He reached across the table on an impulse and snagged Yuki's hand. Hawk-Nose choked on her drink. 

Yukito blinked, but said nothing. Touya swallowed hard. _Here goes..._

"I…" he breathed. 

"Lo..." 

The word struggled up his throat, fought against his twisted tongue, and hung dangling from his lips... 

…and Yukito was staring at him aghast. Touya felt his heart sinking into his shoes. The confession lodged in his throat like a tangible thing, choking off the blood to his brain. 

_No… _he thought wildly. _No, this isn't happening, Yuki isn't staring at me like that, that's not the way this was supposed to go, this isn't happening… _

"T-T-To-ya, your sleeve…" Yukito gasped before dropping Touya's hand like it was on fire. 

It was. 

* * *

"Who puts those candles there anyways?" Touya growled, still rubbing at the sore patch on his wrist. "Stupid romantic crap." 

"Well, I don't think they expect you to be reaching across the table." Yukito noted un-helpfully. Touya scowled briefly, then gave up. _It was your own damn fault._ he told himself, _no sense in yelling at Yuki._

Still… 

"Damn it all!" he growled. It wouldn't have been so bad if he'd gotten the fire out right away, but the shock of suddenly realizing he was _burning_ had shaken him so badly that he'd ended up flailing backward, fanning the fire all the way up his hand. Yukito had come to his senses first and tackled him, smothering the fire between their bodies--in plain view of the entire restaurant. Touya cringed inwardly, remembering the look on Hawk-Nose's face. 

_On a scale from "walking around with your fly open" to "naked baby pictures", I'd say that was…the most embarrassing thing I can remember._ he groaned, scratching at the angry blisters on the back of his wrist. Life wasn't fair. 

"To-ya! You shouldn't pick at it!" Yukito admonished, grabbing his friend's free hand. 

"Aw, give me a bre—" The words died in his throat as Touya suddenly realized exactly what was happening. Yukito paused too, and his large eyes widened. 

_This is it._ he realized shakily, feeling Yuki's soft fingers twine with his. _I should go for it._

"To-ya?" 

"Yuki, I…" He swallowed hard, and looked into those beautiful eyes. .. 

…And then he lost his nerve entirely, and pulled away blushing. It wasn't right, this wasn't how it was supposed to go…he was going to screw it up. Yukito didn't deserve to hear this out here, in a dingy alley that reeked of cat piss. _It just can't happen like this! _Touya snorted, only vaguely aware that he was rationalizing. 

"I—I think I better get a bandage on this." he muttered lamely, waving his injured hand. 

"Okay…sure, I have some at my house." Yukito said, but his voice sounded strange and—was that disappointment, on his face? Touya shook his head hard, and when he looked again things were normal. Yukito was normal. Nothing was ruined, but nothing was gained. 

Touya wasn't sure whether he should be relieved or start tearing his hair out. 

They continued back to Yukito's house, chatting idly, and Touya ended up staying late enough that a good night kiss might have been necessary…but the moment was lost, and it would not come again that evening.   
  


* * *

Sadly, the author would like to report that that afore-mentioned "candle" scenario has happened to her personally. Stupid freaking romantic crap! :D 

Be kind, please rewind--er, review!   
  



End file.
